Mid-Holiday Laugh Break

I thought we all deserved a quick break amidst this super busy holiday season. So, what better way to take a break than hear some jokes that makes you laugh? Even better, Ellen DeGeneres’ jokes! Here are 14 of my favorite Ellen jokes. Hope you enjoy them!


“I don’t understand the sizes anymore. There’s a size zero, which I didn’t even know that they had. It must stand for: ‘Ohhh my God, you’re thin.’”


“I was in yoga the other day. I was in full lotus position. My chakras were all aligned. My mind is cleared of all clatter and I’m looking out of my third eye and everything that I’m supposed to be doing. It’s amazing what comes up, when you sit in that silence. ‘Mama keeps whites bright like the sunlight, Mama’s got the magic of Clorox 2.’”


“My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She’s ninety-seven now, and we don’t know where the hell she is.”


“The only thing that scares me more than space aliens is the idea that there aren’t any space aliens. We can’t be the best that creation has to offer. I pray we’re not all there is. If so, we’re in big trouble.”


“In the beginning there was nothing. God said, ‘Let there be light!’ And there was light. There was still nothing, but you could see it a whole lot better.”


“I’m a godmother, that’s a great thing to be, a godmother. She calls me god for short, that’s cute, I taught her that.” 


“The good psychic would pick up the phone before it rang. Of course it is possible there was noone on the other line. Once she said “God Bless you” I said, “I didn’t sneeze” She looked deep into my eyes and said, “You will, eventually.” And damn it if she wasn’t right. Two days later I sneezed.“


“The way I see it… If you need both of your hands for whatever it is you’re doing, then your brain should probably be in on it too.”


“I didn’t go to college at all, any college, and I’m not saying you wasted your time or money, but look at me, I’m a huge celebrity.”


“Don’t you hate when people are late to work. And they always have the worst excuses. “Oh, I’m sorry I’m late, traffic.” “Traffic, huh? How do you think I got here; helicoptered in!?”


“People always ask me `Were you funny as a child?` Well, I was an accountant.”


“Normal is getting dressed in clothes that you buy for work and driving through traffic in a car that you are still paying for – in order to get to the job you need to pay for the clothes and the car, and the house you leave vacant all day so you can afford to live in it.”


“Our attention span is short. We’ve all got Attention Deficit Disorder or ADD or OCD or one of these disorders with three letters because we don’t have the time or patience to pronounce the entire disorder. That should be a disorder right there, TBD – Too Busy Disorder.”


“I have just learned that penguins are monogamous for life, which doesn’t really surprise me all that much because they all look exactly alike. It’s not like they’re going to meet a better looking penguin someday.”


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